I am tired, but I have to write. It’s just what I do. I feel sanest and bravest when I’m putting words out there on the page. So, here we go. I hate the heat, but it has been a relatively mild summer so far because of the rain. I have reveled in this upper 80’s and lower 90’s temperature range, trying not to imagine how unbearable it feels when the temps shoot up another ten degrees. I swim laps at the pool around 7:15pm a few nights a week and aim to squeeze in all walks in before 8:30 or so, but I hate when I feel like those are my only options because (my children and/or) I will melt at any other point in the day.
We went to family camp week before last and it was wonderful. It rained every day at least once and never got too hot. One afternoon, I went for a hike at 1pm. I broke a good sweat, worthy of a dip in the river, but not demanding of it. That’s what I hope heaven is like. I hope we get to wear a light jacket in the morning and swim in the afternoon.
Camp reminds me of heaven a little. Maybe that’s what I like so much. Some days I’m just so ready to go home. I was definitely made for another world and I’m getting pretty itchy for it lately. More and more I feel like an alien here, but I don’t want to give up on the land of the living. I want to endure and show up for these few days I’m given. I want to keep opening my front door to the sweet 16 year old girls who walk through it every week and I want to open my mouth and say the right things to my kids; I also want to close it when that’s the better option.
At my son’s well check today, we found out his height/weight put him in the 20th percentile. That makes me long for heaven too because my little heart can stand the thought of someone making fun of my precious son. It’s possible that I would jump anyone who called him anything close to scrawny or shrimp. He will be a late bloomer like I was, but I pray that his heart blooms early. That he knows he is a man of God, more than outward measurements – I hate that this would ever be a struggle for any young man. And why is it so opposite for young women?
Oh, Lord. This is going to be quite a ride. I’m scared and I don’t feel equipped, but I know You are real. I know your words are real and that I have a calling as my children’s mother. Please give me the inner gear I need to accomplish this mission that seems so impossible.